The place. I hate it, hate myself because of it, but it turns me inside out, every single time. Even when I simply think about it. It's got right inside my head, like a parasite, and won't let go. It's turned out to be something I've got no defences against, at all. It's like the worst kind of addiction, soul-destroying, but irresistible. Sweet, dark acid, eating away inside, leaving the surface, the facade the world sees, untouched, but destroying all structure within, leaving nothing but a roiling, churning mess of desire, of self-loathing. Not a step, but a leap closer to the precipice.
****
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
Tuesday 27 November 2012
Thursday 22 November 2012
Moth
I can't believe it! I'm here again. It was chance the first time, a complete accident, I'd strayed from my usual path, not by far, but far enough to bring me to a place I'd never seen, never really wanted to see. But once seen, this place of dark enchantment has become unforgettable, irresistible. Like a fishhook in my mind, the barbs so deeply embedded that no matter how I twist and turn, I'm still reeled in inexorably, still find myself back where I'd vowed never to be again.
And he's here, of course. Where else would he be? He doesn't know I'm watching him, how could he? What would he think of me if he did know? Would he feel contempt, revulsion, hatred? No more than I feel towards myself, that's certain. But then that is forgotten, as he climbs his path towards heaven. And I'm right beside him, seeming to be close enough to touch, but, in reality, half the universe away, feeling what he feels, my rapture entwined with his, but utterly separate, vicarious. As his moment approaches, his head falls back, his eyes sightless, his mouth falling open, soundless but for his panting breath, and then all the world is subsumed in waves of pleasure, for him and for me. All too soon, though, the ecstatic moment is over, and, for me, the guilt, the shame, the panicked fear of discovery rush in to take its place. I must get away, as far and fast as I can! As I make good that desire to escape, I promise myself, fervently, desperately, never again, I cannot, must not return, but even as the thought is born in my mind, I know it's a promise I can never keep. I'll be back, soon, very soon.
Like a moth to the flame.
****
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
And he's here, of course. Where else would he be? He doesn't know I'm watching him, how could he? What would he think of me if he did know? Would he feel contempt, revulsion, hatred? No more than I feel towards myself, that's certain. But then that is forgotten, as he climbs his path towards heaven. And I'm right beside him, seeming to be close enough to touch, but, in reality, half the universe away, feeling what he feels, my rapture entwined with his, but utterly separate, vicarious. As his moment approaches, his head falls back, his eyes sightless, his mouth falling open, soundless but for his panting breath, and then all the world is subsumed in waves of pleasure, for him and for me. All too soon, though, the ecstatic moment is over, and, for me, the guilt, the shame, the panicked fear of discovery rush in to take its place. I must get away, as far and fast as I can! As I make good that desire to escape, I promise myself, fervently, desperately, never again, I cannot, must not return, but even as the thought is born in my mind, I know it's a promise I can never keep. I'll be back, soon, very soon.
Like a moth to the flame.
****
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
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