Plaint

For J
****

Sometimes it begins with a trivial decision
Like taking a pullover from my wardrobe
And then remembering the first day I wore it
An avalanche of recollections and emotions
Sent sweeping down the mountain of regret
To collect as the scree born of all the mistakes I've made
I wonder how are you, who are you now, two years on?
Ten and a half, on the threshold of a new phase of your life
Childhood's end so close it can almost be tasted
The only anchor between the past and the future
Your pale blue eyes, pools of calm in a roiling world
If I'd known, when I hugged you goodbye that night
That the implosion was so close, that I'd never see you again
What would I, what could I have said as a valediction?
Which words, if any, might your eight year old self have heard
That could have been of value to the potential you
The you that you've become and the you that's yet to be?
I like to think I could have helped you, given you something
Otherwise lacking, encouraged your strengths, salved the pain
Of your being in a different place from those around you
Different like I was different, in my turn, with but not of them
Their not wishing to harm you, but knowing no better
Sucking you into the lowest common denominator quicksands
Their imaginations could never escape from
Even if they had forever to make the attempt
But my concern for you was irremediably tainted
Even as it was born, when, at the foot of your stairs
As you reached out in chaste affection, and hugged my neck
My body betrayed what my consciousness denied
That instantaneous reaction, hidden from your innocence
But as unequivocal as any death knell
Forever condemning me, in my own mind, if nowhere else
To inhabit the deepest pit of darkest self-loathing
And rendering the interrupted cadence of our parting
The only appropriate outcome
You'll never read this, in any foreseeable circumstance
But if you do, I have but one thing to say
Be happy, but, above all else, be yourself

****

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B