The sweetest one, the most forbidden of fruits. The one whose grace and beauty has me enraptured, but who might as well live on the moon in terms of accessibility. What can I do? My rational mind tells me to stay away, bury my desire in the depths where society thinks it belongs, but my heart and soul cries out for contact, something, anything, a word, a smile, even an insult would make a connection, but there's nothing. I could just as well be invisible.
Day after day the vision passes by, fleeting instants of bliss amid the desert of loneliness, please, please walk by, please, please don't run, don't cycle, slow down, let the moment last a fraction longer, a last glimpse as a reflection in the shop window opposite.
Obsession - yes, mea culpa, but what a beautiful obsession, what heights my dreams reach, before the light of dawn casts me down, back to the pits of despair, back to the reality of my life, my isolation, my hiding in plain sight from everyone, my pretence of being cheerful, wearing my mask of bonhomie - ' Hail fellow, well met, but if you knew what I was thinking, you'd hit me with that chair ' - it would be funny if it wasn't so excruciating.
There's no escape, all the exits are barred - I'm too cowardly to try to speak, too brave for suicide, the protestant ethic, suffer in silence, accept the daily torture of seeing what you most crave while knowing it's out of reach, Tantalus for the 21st Century.
Unrequited, unrequitable love, boiling inside and eating away at me like the strongest acid, love can build or destroy, what's the point of going on like this, I'd rather be shipwrecked on a desert island with only my mental photograph album, pictures frozen in time of the most beautiful boy in the world.
Dulcissime.
Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B
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