Lucent (Part 4)

That August Sunday morning, over two years ago now, was the start in a new phase of my life, a phase where things really started to go my way. Alex and Lawrence did begin to learn to surf during that holiday, and while neither of them are ever likely to cause too many sleepless nights for the professionals over at Fistral Beach, they both really enjoy it. They spent many weekends at Guillemot Cottage, even more after Alex passed his driving test a couple of months after his seventeenth birthday and they could get down in about 4 hours rather than the 6 or 7 it took by public transport - my weed-strewn parking bay was finally seeing some use! I even travelled up to my old home town to visit on odd occasions - Malcolm and Jackie were very generous with their hospitality - and I got to know Jayne, Alex's mum, although our dealings were characterised more by politeness than any real warmth. I also caught up with Vickie, the art teacher who'd done so much for me in the early days after my injury, and took her and her husband out for dinner - it was the least I could do in the circumstances.

****

As far as my own career went, the spring after the Alex and Lawrence fortnight was when it all began to take off. I was in my dealer's gallery in the village, chatting and showing him a portfolio of the work I'd been doing over the previous couple of months, when a guy I thought I recognised, but couldn't place, came in. He gravitated towards one of my seascapes which was hanging in the gallery, at which point my dealer, with his salesman's instincts, intervened.

"Excuse me, Sir, if you're interested in that particular canvas, you might like a word with this gentleman - he's the artist."

I chatted with the potential customer for a few minutes, he asked to have a look at my portfolio, we chatted some more, and then he went on his way.

"Do you know who that was?" my dealer asked.

"He looked familiar, but I couldn't quite place him."

It turned out that he was a TV celebrity chef who owned a chain of high class restaurants around South West England, and the upshot of our chance meeting was that I was commissioned by him to paint both conventional seascapes on canvas and a series of murals for several of his restaurants. The murals were a problem on two fronts - firstly, I had almost no experience of painting them, although, as luck would have it, I seemed to have the knack when it came to the crunch, and, secondly, I still didn't have any transport of my own to get to the various places where I needed to work. The school Easter holidays were approaching, which gave me an idea. I rang Alex.

"How do you fancy a holiday job in Cornwall?" I knew Lawrence was due to be away on a language exchange trip during the Easter break.

"Sounds good. What would I be doing?"

"Driving me around to various posh restaurants so I can decorate their walls with my expensive daubs!"

"Any posh food thrown in?"

"You never know your luck!"

"I'm there! You haven't got a car, though."

"I'll buy one - I'd hire one, but you wouldn't be old enough to drive a hire car yet. With a bit of luck, my accountant should be to offset it against tax as a business expense."

"Free food, and a tax dodge, you'll be a millionaire yet!"

We had a great couple of weeks, got lots of work done, and did get some gourmet seafood for free, although not as much as Alex would've liked. We were sitting in the studio late one night, after a long day driving and painting - it was a bit chilly for the patio.

"Back to school on Monday, then."

"Thanks for reminding me, Dan. Still, this time next year, I'll just be getting ready to start my A-levels."

"Got any plans after that?"

"No, not really. I've kind of drifted into doing the subjects I'm doing, without thinking too much about what happens next. Media Studies seems to be going the best - I like photography, and then playing about with the results on the computer. It's not exactly much that you could put on a C.V., though."

I'd seen some of his graphics work, and it was pretty impressive. "Unless you want to be a photographer and computer graphics artist, of course."

"I guess. Not the sort of thing you find much in the local Job Centre, though."

"Why don't you come up with a portfolio of some of your stuff? I'm starting to get to know a few people here and there who might be interested in looking at the sort of thing I know you can do - I've seen some of the work on your laptop, don't forget."

"Maybe. It won't be tonight, though," he yawned expansively, "I'm knackered! You're a slave driver!"

"Last day of work tomorrow, and it's pretty local, only in Padstow, then we'll have a chill-out day on Saturday, go for a meal - even if we have to pay for it ourselves! - before you have to go back on Sunday."

On the Saturday afternoon, the weather was as warm as it had been that spring, so Alex took the opportunity to surf for an hour or so. He arrived back at the cottage, and was soon out on the patio, wrapped in sweat gear and towels.

"I'm glad this is a suntrap, Dan, I'm freezing."

"Well, if you will go surfing in the North Atlantic Ocean in April, you impetuous young man, what do you expect?"

"You're warm enough, dressed like that." I was wearing a t-shirt and shorts.

"That's because I'm not so daft as to go in the sea."

"I could do with a hug, that would warm me up more quickly."

"Your hug bunny is on his way back from France, though - it looks like you're out of luck."

There was a pause in the banter. I wondered what was coming next.

"You could give me a hug, Dan."

My first instinct was to carry on with the light-hearted repartee of the last couple of minutes, but the tone of Alex's voice had changed, and I knew another airy remark wasn't what was called for.

"You're right, I could. There are all sorts of things we could do in life, but they're not all necessarily a good idea."

"You do so much, have done so much for me, Dan, but I never seem to do anything in return."

"Of course you do. You're my friend, probably my best friend, although Lawrence would be a close second. I don't want anything else from you, that's more than enough."

"Maybe...maybe I want more from you, though. I'm very greedy."

"Alex...I could recite a litany of reasons 10 feet long as to why I shouldn't get involved with you, I'm old enough to be your father, my health is pretty fragile, it would be breaching the trust of your mum, after she's let you stay here with me, and numerous other things, but, when it comes down to it, there's only one word I want to say to you...Lawrence."

"Do you think we haven't talked about it? Lawrence has known for weeks that I was coming down here to stay with you, he doesn't expect us to be like monks."

I'd reached the point where I'd been in my dream, but this time the question was far from unspoken, and Alex wasn't a child any more.

"I don't think I can, Alex. You're very special to me, more than anyone in my life apart from Lucy, but that's different, she's my flesh and blood. But Lawrence is special to me as well, and you two are way beyond special to each other. I could never forgive myself if I did anything, or allowed anything to happen, that would jeopardise that."

"It wouldn't, I promise. I can prove it to you." He pulled his mobile phone from his pocket, pressed a few buttons, and handed it to me. "Press the 'Play' icon, and watch."

I pressed, and watched. It was a short video, lasting about two minutes, and had been made, according to the date and time stamp in the corner of the screen, that morning. After the video finished, I pressed the 'Replay' icon and watched it again. Then a third time. Then I closed my eyes. Alex's light footsteps sounded on the wooden decking. I felt his hand rest gently on my shoulder.

"You see, Dan. That's what we want. Lawrence can't tell you personally, because he's probably on a Eurostar at the moment, so he recorded the message earlier and e-mailed it to my phone. But we've been thinking and talking about it for months - it's what we really want."

"What will your parents say?"

"Malcolm and Jackie will be fine with it. We know, we've already spoken to them. My mum will hate it, but she hates me being with Lawrence, although she'd never say so. She'll just have to get used to it."

What was in that message? In effect, the words that Lawrence spoke, on behalf of himself and Alex, constituted a 'marriage' proposal. From both of them, jointly, to me. The last two sentences, spoken by Lawrence looking directly at the camera, as though he was looking me straight in the eye, were "You've given Alex his life, and me mine through Alex. We want to live with you, happy ever after."

"Can I have my hug now, Dan? I'm still cold."

****

Later that evening, we were back in the cottage after having had a long, slightly boozy dinner in the nice restaurant in the village. Neither of us were drunk, but we'd shared a pleasant bottle of wine, and I'd finished with a brandy, so we certainly weren't 100% sober.

"Thank you for this evening, Dan, I've really enjoyed it."

"Me too - it must be the company."

Alex smiled broadly. "Time for bed, then?"

I knew from the way he'd said it that it was a question rather than just a statement.

"Yeah, you know where your room is."

He looked up at me - surprised?, disappointed?, relieved? It was difficult to tell.

"Dan..." he began hesitantly, "I thought...maybe I could sleep..."

"With me?"

"Yes...please?"

I heaved a huge sigh. "This is difficult for me, Alex."

"I know - it's what I want, though...what Lawrence and I want."

"Did you speak to him earlier?"

"Yes, I managed to get a signal on my mobile in the village, for once. I rang him from the Gents at the restaurant."

"Very romantic! How is he?"

"He's fine, tired after that long journey, though. And very nervous...about how you'd react, I mean."

Yes, I thought, I can relate to that. I was feeling like I had when I was a teenager, approaching my first date.

"When I say this is difficult for me, Alex, I don't mean just about the ethics of the situation - I mean about what's inside me, what I am myself. I haven't been to bed with anybody since I split up with Liz, but more than that, I've never been involved with anyone of my own sex before - as far as I can remember, I've only ever even kissed two males in my life, my dad when I was a little boy, and you. When you kissed me in my dream, it felt straight away as though something had changed in me, but that was, after all, just a dream, even if the kiss was real. This is difficult in another way, as well - as I'm sitting here talking to you, I'm desperately trying not to say the wrong thing, I don't want to you think I'm rejecting you, because I'm not, but it's such a big step for me, for us - all three of us - that I'm...afraid to make it. Once that step is made, there's no going back, ever, and I'm not ashamed to say that the prospect frightens me."

Alex moved from the armchair where he'd been sitting, and plopped down beside me on the sofa, close, but not touching. We looked at each other.

"There's nothing to be frightened of, Dan. It's only love, you love me and don't want to hurt me, I love you and don't want to hurt you. Lawrence feels the same way about you, and I think you feel the same way about him. Nothing more or less than that."

He leaned towards me and laid his head on my shoulder, I tentatively put my arm around him.

"How about a boring compromise, Alex. A halfway house that I can cope with as I am at the moment. We'll sleep together tonight, but just that, sleep. Keep our night clothes on, maybe just a hug or two. Then the next time you're both free, you and Lawrence come down for the weekend and we'll talk everything through. I'm sorry if that's not quite how you saw this evening panning out, but that's the best I can manage for now."

"Dan, that will be absolutely great. Come on, I'm getting cold again, you can warm me up!"

****

The boys came down to Guillemot Cottage for the May Day bank holiday weekend, which gave us an extra day for our conclave. The weather was rotten, cold, wet and windy, but it hardly mattered, because we spent virtually the whole weekend talking about their proposal, and what it would mean for all of us. By the Sunday evening, we'd got pretty much everything sorted out. Alex would turn 18 in November, Lawrence in the following February. They both had just over another year of school to complete, up to their A-levels, due the summer of the following year. After they finished school, Alex was going to come and work with me in a company we would set up to market our art, while Lawrence was aiming to go to university to take a degree in Business Studies and Modern Languages, hopefully at Plymouth, after which he would manage our company and leave Alex and I to look after the 'creative' side.

"I've got some good news on the commercial front, as well," I told them. "Mr TV Chef liked the murals we did for him so much that he's planning to use the designs on a range of merchandise, crockery, placemats, coasters, that kind of thing, and all at the top end of the market. We'll get royalties on every cup, plate and tea towel that he sells! We won't be rich overnight, but it'll get the company off to a flying start. It's a good job, too, because if we're all going to live together in our little commune, we're going to need something a bit bigger than poor old Guillemot Cottage."

"I like it here, though," Alex said.

"So do I, but it's a bit small for three adults to live in permanently. Don't worry, though, I'm hopeful, with this merchandising money on the horizon, that we'll be able to keep the cottage - it's all paid for, don't forget, we haven't got a mortgage or anything like that to worry about - and still be able to afford to buy a new, bigger place as well. Then, when we get sick of the sight of each other, we'll have a bolthole to escape to!"

"What are we going to do about telling the world about us?" Lawrence asked. "My mum and dad and Alex's mum know about some of it, what about your family, Dan?"

"Well, my family pretty much consists of Lucy, period. She's coming down here for half term at the end of this month, so I'll talk to her then. I'll speak to Liz just as a matter of courtesy, but I don't think she'll be too interested - she's too busy making money with her travel firm. As far as the rest of the world goes, how does a joint 18th birthday and commitment party, around the time of your birthday, Lawrence, sound?"

"Well, it would certainly be different from the average 18th party - 'We'd like to thank you all for coming, and, by the way, we're spending the rest of our lives with this eccentric artist' - should catch their attention, at least!" Lawrence laughed.

"Seriously, though, would you rather wait until you've left school before telling everyone anything quite so radical - I wouldn't want you to have problems because of me."

"It's not because of you Dan, it's what we want. It was us that proposed to you, don't forget," Alex said. "Anyway, Lawrence is a black belt now, they won't argue with him, and I'm big enough to look after myself as well."

The only issue that still hadn't been resolved was what, if any, physical relationship I was going to be involved in. As I'd told Alex at Easter, it wasn't something I was going to find easy to deal with. It had been nice sharing a bed with him for that one night, I'd enjoyed the warmth and closeness after so long sleeping on my own, but when I'd woken the following morning with him snuggled up to me and visibly aroused, I felt a nagging sense of wrongdoing, as though I'd taken advantage of him. It was a barrier that had to be crossed in some way, or it would risk driving a wedge into the heart of our interactions with each other. If we were going to make this unusual relationship work, it would have to be as equals. Lawrence was the one who made the decisive move.

On their last night of that weekend, Alex made his excuses and went to bed early - he had to drive back the following morning, Lawrence had only just started taking driving lessons. Lawrence and I talked for a while about details of how we would set up our joint business and how it would be run. As the time passed 11:00, the conversation started to flag a little.

"I think that's about as much management-speak as I can manage for one night, Dan. There's something else we need to talk about, anyway."

The purpose in his voice was obvious. I braced myself for what I guessed was coming next.

"We've agreed that we're all going to be equal partners in this relationship, Dan, but you're evading one really big issue. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but we need to 'talk about sex, baby', as the old song goes."

"I know, I did talk about it with Alex the last time he was here, we slept together."

"Yes, slept, and when he woke up with a hard-on, he said you left the room so fast, he couldn't see you for dust."

"I don't want to sound patronising, or worse still, prejudiced, but you've known you were gay since you were a boy, this is all a bit new to me. I also really care a lot about you and Alex, and I don't want to do anything to hurt either of you, in any way."

"You still see us, especially Alex, as little boys sometimes, don't you Dan?"

"I never knew you as a boy, Lawrence, I just had a picture of you in my mind's eye. I never really knew Alex, either, but I did have a real picture of him, lying on the ground, hurting, terrified, while his dad attacked him. And my dream, that was how I remembered him, the real life, frightened Alex was suppressed, I only thought of the pretty, blond boy who'd kissed me in my dream. I know you're not little boys, of course I do, but sometimes images are so deeply ingrained in your mind that it's hard to get past them."

"That's why it should be me you should go to bed with first, Dan." He smiled. "No ghosts in your head. Come on, I'll look after you, I promise."

He took me by the hand, and quietly led me upstairs.

He was so gentle with me that first time - he was gentle by nature anyway, and all the more so because he knew how fragile I was in this regard. I think he was afraid I'd run away if he showed any passion at all. Even then, I cried for at least half an hour afterwards, Lawrence was so patient with me, he just let me cry on his shoulder, as though I was the little boy who needed comfort and reassurance, which, in a way, I was. In the morning, Alex tapped quietly on the door, before coming in and sitting on the bed beside me.

"OK, Dan?" He must have been able to see I'd been crying.

"Yes, I think so. I still feel very emotional, though, I feel like I might burst into tears at any moment."

"There's no need to take it so seriously, it's supposed to be fun."

"I know, just give me a little while to get used to things, I'm sure I'll loosen up soon."

"I hope so, it's my turn next time!" He almost dazzled me with the brightness of his mischievous smile.

****

The final piece in our jigsaw fell into place just before Christmas. We'd been doing a bit of house-hunting, mostly online, but nothing we really liked had come on the market. Then one afternoon, I was working in the studio when the phone rang. It was Lawrence.

"I think I might have found one, Dan. It's a bit expensive, though." He gave me the details of the estate agent's website, and I told him I'd have a look when I'd finished what I was doing. The house he'd seen was indeed at the very top end, price-wise, of what we could afford, four bedrooms, large garden, sun terrace with sea views and a separate garage and workshop block which could be adapted as a studio. It was in a large village on the south coast of Cornwall, not as touristy as where the village where Guillemot Cottage was, close to one of the restaurants where we'd worked on the murals earlier in the year.

Alex and Lawrence came down the weekend before Christmas, immediately after school had finished for the holidays, and we went to see the house on the Saturday morning. As it had been with me and Guillemot Cottage, it was love at first sight for all of us. Estate agents' descriptions usually exaggerate the charms of a property, but this one, if anything, undersold how good the location was. From the sun terrace, you could see something like 10 miles of coastline, arcing away in both directions. We put in an offer the same day, rather below the asking price, and after a little bit of haggling over valuation of fixtures and fittings, had a slightly higher offer accepted, which still left us with enough in our 'property fund' to afford to have the workshop converted to a studio for me, with a small computer suite for Alex as well. Everything was ready by the end of January, a few days after Lawrence had passed his driving test at the second attempt, and I moved in just under two weeks before the night of the big party.

****

We were all getting extremely nervous as the week of the party progressed. It was on the Saturday night of school half term holiday week, towards the end of February, a couple of days after Lawrence's actual birthday, and almost three months after Alex's. Malcolm and Jackie, and to a lesser extent Jayne, had made most of the arrangements, so I stayed in Cornwall until the Friday morning, using new house duties as an excuse. Lucy travelled down from the Midlands on the same day, and we met up in, of all places, the station buffet, just yards away from where Alex and I had been attacked, four and a half years earlier.

"Hi, Dad".

"Lou, lovely to see you, how are you?"

"Fine. How's the new house."

"Just about liveable now, although we've only got two of the bedrooms set up at the moment. We've got some more furniture due next week. You'll have to come down and see it soon, it's in a great spot."

"I will. How are the rest of the triumvirate?"

"Fine, thanks, they're running around getting stuff ready for tomorrow. We're going to meet up later on and then going out for a family meal tonight with the various parents, I don't think you've met Jayne, have you?"

"Alex's mum? No, she's never been down to Cornwall, has she?"

"No, she doesn't really approve, to be honest, but, to be fair to her, she's always polite, if not exactly overflowing with warmth. Come on, let's head over to Lawrence's house, that's where we're both staying this weekend."

As the day went on, everyone gradually got together - Lucy and I arrived, then Alex and Lawrence returned from their separate missions, and finally Malcolm got back from work. It was a convivial day all round, with everyone catching up on everyone else's news, before we went out for the evening meal to a local pub, within walking distance for everyone - Alex had gone home to walk his mum to the pub shortly before the rest of us set out. It all went very well, the only awkward moment coming when Malcolm made an off-the-cuff remark about me enjoying my last night as a single man, which Jayne didn't find very amusing, but, that apart, a fine time was had by all.

Then the night of the party, and I was as jittery as a kitten as we arrived at the function room, a feeling that got worse as the guests started to arrive, and rounds of introductions were made. Apart from a scattering of older family members, most of the guests were Alex and Lawrence's school friends and their assorted girlfriends, and people they knew from their self-defence classes and the like. A few of them remembered me from the local press and TV coverage after the attack, but most of them didn't, some regarding me with curiosity bordering on hostility. Lucy stayed close to me for much of the night, as she didn't really know anyone apart from our immediate circle, and helped to keep me on an even keel.

Alex, Lawrence and I hadn't really spent too much time discussing how we were going to phrase things when the time came to say our collective piece, and we found it hard to get together for more than a few seconds at a time at the party, with so many people wanting to speak to the boys, so, in the end, we decided to make it up as we went along.

The DJ started things when he announced  "Can I have your attention please, everyone. There are three gentlemen here who would like to say a few words to you."

Lawrence spoke first. "Four and a half years ago, some of you might remember, something happened that changed our lives. If it hadn't been for the way chance works, at least one, and probably two of us, wouldn't be here tonight. All I can say is that I'm glad that chance did work out the way it has, because I've found not one, but two wonderful people to love. Thanks."

Alex was next. "Some scientists say that at every moment, the universe takes one or other of two paths, probably pretty much at random. I'm glad that those random paths have led me here, I couldn't imagine being happier. I love you, Lawrence and Dan. Thanks a lot, everyone."

Then it was my turn. "On that day outside the station, my old life ended. Thanks to two very special people, my new life is even better. From the bottom of my heart, I want to say to Alex and Lawrence, I love you both very much, and I expect us all to live HAPPY EVER AFTER!"

****

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B