Gift

Christmas Eve, and snow is on the ground, as it has been for several days, very unusual for our mild and damp part of the world. As I sit on a cold wooden bench on the platform of this quiet, small town station, waiting for my train home from work, darkness has already fallen, and a scatter of stars have begun to become visible, as the last light of the day fades from the clear skies. Another frosty night in prospect, ice crystals already beginning to form and glitter on the ground, reflecting the station lights like a scatter of tiny diamonds. Fascinating and beautiful, but another reminder of how cold the weather is - it's hardly been above freezing point all day, despite uninterrupted sunshine, and now that the sun has gone, the mercury is falling rapidly once again. No sign of the train, either, the level crossing should be closing by now, so it looks like I'm going to be delayed, just what I need to start the holiday weekend. I pull my coat more tightly around my body, thrusting my gloved hands into my pockets to try and keep the circulation going for as long as possible, although it seems my feet are already beyond hope - I feel like I'm carrying a couple of frozen steaks around inside my shoes. Then an automated announcement echoes around the otherwise deserted station.

"The 17:45 departure is delayed by approximately 30 minutes, this is due to a technical fault on the train. We would like to apologise for the inconvenience this delay will cause to your journey."

Wonderful. Another half an hour freezing my arse off. There isn't even a waiting room available, it's permanently locked up because of vandalism, since the train company did away with the station staff to save money. I might as well walk around a bit, I think, at least it might help me stay warm. I wander down the platform towards the level crossing where the station exit is, muttering under my breath, or so I think, about the shortcomings of the train service. I must be a bit louder in my complaints than I'd imagined, because as I reach the exit, keeping my eyes to the ground to try and avoid slipping on the small patches of ice and frozen snow, I almost walk into someone. I look up, and meet the eyes of a person I know so well by sight, but who I've never spoken to, never had the courage to speak to in the four years I've worked in this small town. The eyes are in the face of someone who's trying hard not to laugh, but can't help smirking. The face of someone who I'm more attracted to than anyone else in the world. The face of a 13 year old boy.

"I....I'm sorry," I manage to stammer out, "I wasn't looking where I was going."

"Too busy moaning about the trains, too!" the boy said with laughter in his voice.

"Yeah, well....It's Christmas Eve, freezing cold, and I'm stuck here until the train turns up. Apart from that, everything's fine!"

The boy laughed out loud this time, a happy, almost summery sound in the frigid winter evening.

"You catch the train every day, don't you?" the boy asked.

"Every working day, yeah. I haven't got a car, so it's the only way I can get to and from work."

"I've seen you, lots of times." The boy hesitated, as though somewhat embarrassed. "I've seen you....watching me, as though you wanted to talk to me. Why?"

Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings, I thought. You could try looking in a mirror, sweet boy. How was I going to answer as straight a question as that, without having him running off screaming. It was my turn to be hesitant.

"I....I....look, if I tell you the truth, will you promise not to get upset," I blurted out.

A momentary silence fell between us. The boy looked concerned.

"W....why? Is it bad?"

"Some people would probably think so, but you've asked, and I don't want to lie to you."

"I don't know....I'll try." The boy was looking distinctly worried by now.

"Look, don't be frightened - I promise you I'm not going to do anything other than talk. I wouldn't....couldn't hurt you. The thing is....I've never seen anyone like you in my life. I can't help watching you, because, to me, you're just gorgeous and special. I first saw you when you were a pretty little boy, still at primary school, and now here you are, almost grown up, and just so....so....oh, I hate this word, but I can't think of another that I can use about you...." My voice tailed off, almost to a whisper. "You're so....beautiful."

The boy just stood there, it was obvious that nothing that had happened in his previous life experience that could even begin to help him form a response to what I'd said to him. He didn't look upset, angry, shocked, just....bewildered.

I looked at him a little longer, drinking in the perfection of his features, while he stayed, unmoving, exactly where he was when I'd made my little speech.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said what I did, but....I've waited so long to speak to you, and I couldn't help but tell you the truth." I turned away, and began to walk back along the platform, tears in my eyes. I slumped back down on the bench where I'd been sitting before, buried my face in my gloved hands, and really broke down, sobbing uncontrollably on the cold, empty station. All that time, all that pent-up emotion, had fractured the dam wall, and it simply gushed out of me. I knew how ridiculous I must look, but I couldn't help myself. Isolated in my world of grief and self-pity, I didn't hear the footsteps approaching me, and started violently when a gentle hand fell on my shoulder.

"Don't cry, please don't."

I looked up, startled, to find the boy standing beside me.

"Look....I....I'm not....gay, but....no-one's ever said anything that nice about me before. Don't spoil it by crying....please."

I dug around in my pocket until I found a handkerchief, and used it to give me a few seconds to compose myself while I wiped my eyes and drew a couple of deep breaths. The boy looked relieved as I brought my feelings back under control, and I smiled wanly at him.

"Sorry....I don't want you to think I do this sort of thing all the time. It was just that I'd let a lot of stuff build up inside me, and....it all....came out." I sucked in another gasping breath, barely managing to contain another outburst of emotion. "I never thought for a moment that you were gay - I don't even think I'm really gay, it's only you that has ever made feel this way. Look....it won't happen again, I'll try my best not to look at you any more, the last thing I want to do is upset you. You know which train I catch, if you don't come by the station at this time of day, I won't see you any other time, unless it's by accident. All I can do is say that I'm sorry again. Anyway, it's Christmas, you don't want to be hanging about the station with a loony like me, go and enjoy yourself."

The boy smiled, but stood his ground. "I don't mind you watching me, but don't get yourself all upset, that would worry me. I was thinking about it being Christmas, too - maybe I can give you a present, sort of."

I took my turn at looking nonplussed. The boy smiled again, stepped forward, and planted a brief but deliriously wonderful kiss on my lips. Almost as soon as I had time to register the contact, it was over.

"Happy Christmas."

"That....was the nicest Christmas present I've ever had. Thank you so much. Have a really lovely Christmas, I hope you get everything you want."

"Thanks. I'd....better go now. See ya."

My eyes were glued to the boy's back as he walked along the platform. I could barely believe what had happened, it could all have been a dream. He turned as he reached the level crossing, and waved briefly. I waved back, and then he was gone. The warning sirens for the crossing began to sound, my train must finally be on its way. I was still on my own, it was still freezing cold, but somehow none of that mattered. If it was a dream, it was a dream come true. A happy Christmas, indeed.

****

Love & best wishes to all
Sammy B